By / John Cullen
Hockey Now Blogger
I don’t want to say it too loudly for fear of being memed, but over the past few years, blogging has become an art form unto itself. Bloggers tend to write differently than regular “writers” or “journalists”, and unfortunately, with every art form comes people who overexpose certain aspects of that art form, and we see it in blogs all over the place.
Much like blogs, the Vancouver Canucks and hockey in general in this city are also overexposed. It’s very common to find a stranger on the street, your bus driver, or the cashier at your grocery store asking you about the game last night, and all that chatter about Luongo’s horrendous play or Schneider’s viability as a starter can really get to you. What made the Kurtenblog special was their ability to think outside the box, and bring a fresh take to issues that were happening all around them.
I want to try and do the same, and I think it’s best you get to know me, and know what I am all about. So this post is my commitment to you, my loyal readers and followers of the competition. Here are 10 Things I Promise to NEVER Do in the #ReplacetheKB Competition.
I WILL NEVER.......
1. Reference Ryan Kesler’s nude photo.
It’s like the comedy gift that keeps on giving. Hip surgery scars, a fake rock, and Ryan Kesler’s permanently flip-gelled hair with that stare that won’t quit. I feel like people should never, ever stop making fun of Ryan Kesler for this, much in the same way I’m surprised The Province doesn’t still just put this photo of Darcy Hordichuk in the paper every week for laughs.
I just wouldn’t be able to handle being the guy that causes the Kesler gem to jump the shark.
2. Use the hashtag “#realtalk”.
I’m not nearly hard enough. I eat turkey sandwiches for lunch every day on 12-grain squirrel bread and enjoy NBC’s Thursday night comedy line-up. Sigh.
3. Utilize advanced stats.
I’ve played hockey my entire life, and there’s something about the game that just feels more qualitative to me than quantitative. I think advanced stats have a place in the game, but I also know Cam Charron and Thomas Drance are way better at using them effectively than I am, and I’m not about to talk to you about Relative Corsi, Fenwick, PDO, or whatever other abbreviations they’re throwing out these days because I still prefer to watch a game and subjectively judge. I’M A JUDGER, PEOPLE. I’d rather use words like “AMAZE-BALLS” and “TOTAL SUCKTITUDE” than “zone starts” and “quality of opposition”.
(See also: I’m absolutely brutal at Math. 59% in Math 11 and then a quick exit from that subject altogether.)
4. “Occupy” anything.
Except your girlfriend’s heart. And my parents’ spare bedroom.
5. Talk about how the “Vancouver” on the sweater still bugs me.
But while we’re on the topic and I have a larger platform due to this contest...I mean, seriously. Awful. One of the best color schemes in sports and one of the worst logo/typeface/whatever sweater combinations there are. Make the thirds the permanent sweaters already Aquilinis, kthx. If the Edmonton Oilers can figure it out....
6. Patronize You. Yes, you.
I’m optimistic, but really, who am I kidding? It’s a blog. This job exists solely because of people’s love for patronizing other people. Slash my own individual love for patronizing people.7. Reference the old Kurtenbloggers.
Okay, so we’re having a contest to replace them and all that, but seriously, who? They write about hockey for an American company now. Let’s get serious here for a minute. I’ve filed them both away in my “High Treason” folder and will make no further reference to either from here on out.
8. Make jokes about mistaking the Sedin twins for one another.
It’s been what, 12 years now? I think we’re all over it at this point. And if we’re not, we should be.
9. Talk about the Canucks only.
The Canucks belong to this league, you know? You’ve heard of it, right? The National Hockey League? The one with the 29 other teams in it?
It seems that sometimes, in this city, we can lose sight of all the other amazing things happening in the league because we’re so wrapped up in our own drama. And who can blame us? Ridiculous stuff happens to the Canucks all the time. It’s awesome. I think all 7 Canadian NHL cities are guilty of this to a certain degree(Montreal to the highest without even the most remote question), but it’s always great to look at the wider picture, and I’ll be doing lots of that over the course of this competition. I also have very soft spots in my heart for Junior hockey(I’m the Giants beat writer for Hockey Now and always root for my hometown Surrey Eagles), and you shouldn’t be shocked if I talk about either over the next 3 weeks.
10. Discuss Roberto Luongo and(or) Cory Schneider and(or) the Canucks goalies in general.
HAHAHAHAHA. Riiiiiiiiiight. This is a competition in which the winner gets to blog about the Canucks. If you can’t blog about their goalie situation, you can’t win this contest.
This is a dead horse. And we’re going to beat it. To death. In fact, we all met last night and secretly prayed Luongo would get traded in the middle of this contest to REALLY give it some verve. Province Sports, you guys can make that happen, right? Because that’s what the public really wants. Make it on a weekend too, so all 15 of us can sound off in the 2.5 minutes it’ll take us to rush and write a column/make a video/cry about it.
MAN that would be awesome. Pray with us, too?
Good work Cullen! Look forward to future posts!
This Cullen guy has my vote!
awesome post!
awesome job keep up the good work
excellent
I just want to quickly chime and let everybody know that it is, in fact, totally possible for a skater's adjusted fenwick to be AMAZE-BALLS.
Great work man.
looking forward to your posts
I've never met this John Cullen guy, but man would I like to. He's funny like John Cleese smart like John Lennon and intimidating like John Wayne. It's your classic men want to be him and women want to be with him - but since this is an equal opportunity forum, men may also want to be with him. I don't know, I just work here.
I promise to read more of this guy's stuff.